It's the beginning of a brand new year and many people are making resolutions. Most will have to do with losing weight or eating healthier. Some may try to be more positive or manage their spending better but did you ever think about what really matters most of all..........maybe your relationship with our Savior Jesus Christ? Too many times I've missed church because of a ballgame the kids had or a birthday party or I just plain stayed up too late watching a movie. Sometimes I have gotten up Sunday and there has been snow on the roads and say, "Well, I guess no church today," and climbed back in my warm bed only to risk the weather conditions come Monday morning, making sure I could collect that almighty 40 hour pay check on Friday. I've had lots of excuses but none of them relevant.
Another thing I like to do is read.......everything but my Bible. Well, that's not entirely true, I do read my Bible at night before bed but I always keep a good book on me in case I get stuck in traffic or have a long wait at the Doctors office. It's usually the latest novel or some self-help book but not my Bible. My Bible sits on my nightstand everyday or until Sunday morning when it gets to venture out to church. Shouldn't it get first dibs for my attention instead the latest addition of Better Homes and Garden? It should but that's not always the case. I have definitely been guilty of letting everything and everyone get in my way of having a better relationship with God and studying His word.
I remember the day I got saved. I was coming back from Lexington one evening and because I didn't go to church that morning, I thought I'd go to the evening service to make up for it. It didn't really make up for it but I told myself that to make myself feel better since I was too lazy to get out of bed that morning. Anyway, I was alone......kids were gone, boyfriend gone. It was just me. I suppose there was a reason I stopped that night because I never went to the evening services.......never! My pastor preached a sermon that night that was especially for me, I think. It was Matthew 15:26-28 The Faith of the Canaanite Woman. I had had some problems with one of my daughters so this particular sermon hit me at my core. I cried through the whole thing. Now, this was a new church that I had just started attending so not many people knew me. I'm sure there were a few who wondering why this lady was sobbing in a pew all alone. Well, something about those words let me know that I was not alone with my problems and if I would just let him, Jesus would help me and everything would be alright but I had to let Him help. I am a control freak by nature. I want things a certain way. I want my socks to match, I want my towels folded just so, I don't like it when my food touches on my plate and I always have to drive. So, the concept of turning my life's problems over to someone else simply crippled me in the past. But that day I didn't care. I didn't care who was watching or the fact that I looked like a raccoon with mascara smears all over my face. I asked my Lord and Savior to come into my heart and change me and ......He did. When I left the parking lot of the church that night I felt better than I had in years. I felt......happy. I felt genuine happiness and a high that no nerve pill (that my doctor had me on) could ever produce. I had such good news to tell my family and no one was home. My boyfriend was at work, my youngest was at her dad's and my two oldest were out of town. Could I have waited until my family was with me to make my commitment to God? Probably, but I believe that day, at that moment He was speaking to me. And although I was alone.... in a new church.... surrounded by strangers, I was with family.
Now, it hasn't been easy trying to change my "evil" ways. I still curse more often than I should. I judge people too harshly when I know it's not my place and I haven't exactly been beating the bushes to spread the good news about Jesus Christ but one of my daughters did get saved and baptized. My boyfriend Zach, who is now my husband, also got saved and then baptized on the same day as me. Apparently I have inspired at least 2 people and isn't that what it's all about? Bringing people closer to God one soul at a time.
So, for my New Year's resolution instead of promising myself to get in shape and eating healthier, I think I'll feed my soul and try to be a better Christian. I believe that's a resolution I can keep.~ Happy New Year!!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Life is too short
"Life is too short to be little." We are only here for such a short time yet we lose irreplaceable hours worrying over little things that in a years time won't be remembered by us or anyone else. Instead we should be devoting our time to worth-while undertakings, real relationships and great thinking. Everyday is a day the Lord hath made: let us rejoice and be glad in it. So the next time you let yourself get down in the dumps about really nothing at all, remember the battles won and lost by a giant of the forest:
On a slope in Colorado lies the ruin of a gigantic tree. Some people estimate the tree stood for some 400 years. It was a seedling when Columbus landed and half grown when the Pilgrims settled at Plymouth Rock. During its lifetime it had been struck by lightening 14 times and survived countless avalanches and storms across four centuries. With all its age it never withered. In the end, however, the giant was brought down by an army of beetles who ate their way through its bark to destroy its inner strength with their tiny but incessant attacks. Something so small did what no storm or lightening blast could ever do.
Aren't many of us like the giant of the forest? Surviving the storms of life only to be brought down by little beetles of worry in our hearts. Let us not allow ourselves to be upset by small things but remember that "Life is too short to be little"~Disraeli
On a slope in Colorado lies the ruin of a gigantic tree. Some people estimate the tree stood for some 400 years. It was a seedling when Columbus landed and half grown when the Pilgrims settled at Plymouth Rock. During its lifetime it had been struck by lightening 14 times and survived countless avalanches and storms across four centuries. With all its age it never withered. In the end, however, the giant was brought down by an army of beetles who ate their way through its bark to destroy its inner strength with their tiny but incessant attacks. Something so small did what no storm or lightening blast could ever do.
Aren't many of us like the giant of the forest? Surviving the storms of life only to be brought down by little beetles of worry in our hearts. Let us not allow ourselves to be upset by small things but remember that "Life is too short to be little"~Disraeli
Friday, November 5, 2010
Formaldehyde and You!
What comes to mind when you think of the word Formaldehyde? Dead bodies maybe? Well, you would be right but it goes so much further than that. Formaldehyde ( a recognized cancer causing agent) has been used for decades to embalm bodies for open casket burials but it is also in your everyday items. Producers use Formaldehyde and Formaldehyde releasing agents in our personal care items to ensure a longer shelf life especially in creams and lotions that can spoil due to bacterial and fungal growth. (National Cancer Institute)
On average, the normal household contains at least 150 Formaldehyde tainted products in the home. But not only is Formaldehyde in our personal care, cleaning and beauty products.........it can also actually be IN our home....... as in the materials that your house is made out of such as plywood, glue, fiberboard, particleboard and timber paneling.
As far as cleaning products go, look for labels that say "Non-toxic to humans and aquatic life," or "Biodegradable." While reading labels is great, beware of the tricky manufactures synonyms that don't usually call attention to the fact that they do contain Formaldehyde or Formaldehyde releasing agents. For a list of products check out the Household Products Database at the U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services at
http://householdproducts.nlm.nih.gov/index.htm. From there you can look up a specific item such as Dawn Dish Liquid and see what the exact ingredients are and the harmful effects that may occur.
While there you can also browse other categories such as pesticides which have been linked to ADHD in children. Exposure to pesticides in kid-friendly foods like strawberries, blueberries and celery appears to increase chances that children will be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD. Kids with high levels of pesticide residue in their urine, like the widely used insecticide Malathion, were more likely to have ADHD. An estimated 4-5 million U.S. children are affected by ADHA and about 2.5 million kids take meds for the condition according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Pesticides prey on the nervous system of insects and have a similar effect on mammals, including humans. The best advice for parents is to buy organic whenever possible. The Environmental Working Group, a consumer advocacy organization, advises shoppers buy organic versions of fruits and veggies that grow in the ground or are normally eaten with the skin on, because they are most likely to be contaminated. Wash all fruits and vegetables with a produce brush and rinse frozen versions as well.
On average, the normal household contains at least 150 Formaldehyde tainted products in the home. But not only is Formaldehyde in our personal care, cleaning and beauty products.........it can also actually be IN our home....... as in the materials that your house is made out of such as plywood, glue, fiberboard, particleboard and timber paneling.
As far as cleaning products go, look for labels that say "Non-toxic to humans and aquatic life," or "Biodegradable." While reading labels is great, beware of the tricky manufactures synonyms that don't usually call attention to the fact that they do contain Formaldehyde or Formaldehyde releasing agents. For a list of products check out the Household Products Database at the U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services at
http://householdproducts.nlm.nih.gov/index.htm. From there you can look up a specific item such as Dawn Dish Liquid and see what the exact ingredients are and the harmful effects that may occur.
While there you can also browse other categories such as pesticides which have been linked to ADHD in children. Exposure to pesticides in kid-friendly foods like strawberries, blueberries and celery appears to increase chances that children will be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD. Kids with high levels of pesticide residue in their urine, like the widely used insecticide Malathion, were more likely to have ADHD. An estimated 4-5 million U.S. children are affected by ADHA and about 2.5 million kids take meds for the condition according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Pesticides prey on the nervous system of insects and have a similar effect on mammals, including humans. The best advice for parents is to buy organic whenever possible. The Environmental Working Group, a consumer advocacy organization, advises shoppers buy organic versions of fruits and veggies that grow in the ground or are normally eaten with the skin on, because they are most likely to be contaminated. Wash all fruits and vegetables with a produce brush and rinse frozen versions as well.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Post War Divorce
Something I read makes me think about the past and how screwed up it was at one time. I look back at my previous marriages and cringe at the remembrance of some memories. My first marriage didn't really last that long and I was sooo young that I barely remember most of it. I hardly ever count that one even though it did yield two beautiful children. Now, my second marriage I thought would be the death of me. I think one tries harder the second time around because who wants to be a two time loser right? I stayed and took things that I normally wouldn't from anyone else but I think my biggest problem was I could never truly be myself in that relationship. Oh, to the outward appearances we looked to be the perfect couple but behind closed doors it was a totally different story.
I worked a twelve hour swing shift and took care of his elderly grandparents that lived next door. Both in diapers, both needing a full time nurse, not someone who was just trying to figure out what the hell she was doing. I would cook most of the meals for them, wash piss soaked sheets, clean crap off of them when they messed their diapers, give insulin shots and dole out meds like I knew what I was doing. Then I would try to take a nap, keep my own house clean, cook, help 3 kids with homework, give baths, adhere to other wifely duties and then go work 12 hours in a factory. All the while my husband worked a 9 to 5 job, never cooked or cleaned or did laundry. He would come in at 4:30 and proceed to fall asleep in the chair watching the 6 o'clock news. But I didn't mind because I was in love. Me being in love meant.....I will do without sleep for 36 hours at a time so I can take your grandpa to the doctors office at the VA, I will clean shit off a 80 year woman's behind with a smile, I will work an extra 20 hours a week to buy those $2500.00 wheels and tires for your jeep baby, I will bring your dinner to you in your recliner....no don't get up, I will lay your clothes out for you before I go to work, I will pay all the bills, I will protect you from your insecurities and pain, I will give you all my time, my devotion, my body, my soul, the moon and the stars if I am in love with you. That's just the way it's always been with me. I will give until I am totally depleted and left lifeless or until someone else comes along who knows exactly what to say when I'm at my lowest, to shift my focus and the process starts all over again.
Now, I don't doubt that my husband loved me, we just couldn't figure out how to NOT make each other desperately miserable. I resented him because I had to do everything and he resented me because he didn't feel needed in the relationship. I gave him whatever he wanted and never said no to anything, so he thought I just didn't care what he did or didn't do. I was busy being Super Mom and Wife of the Year and although he got to reaps the benefits, he didn't feel that I loved him enough. He said I treated "personal time" like one more job I had to get done before I got to finally go to sleep. I thought I was being the perfect partner but as my resentment grew, so did his distance until finally there was nothing left to save. You can love someone and still resent the hell out of then. We are perfect examples of that. Even now I think we both morn our marriage years later. There were good times and lots of them. Moments I miss. But those moments are blind to you when you are going through a divorce. You forget about them until after the fact.... when your life is left in ruins around you. Broken promises and hurt feelings littered everywhere. They say no one has ever die from splitting up the furniture but there were times I thought I would....I wished I would, so I could be released from all this pain.
One of the hardest things about leaving is my ex husband has never forgiven me for it. He feels I have destroyed his life somehow...... although he's gone on with another relationship. And no many how many times we apologize and offer explanations for what happened to our marriage it's never going to banish that missing piece of me, that constant reminder, that I was the one who chose divorce over him. That is the guilt I feel every time I see him. Although we both did some pretty crappy stuff to each other during that time, he has never lost the sadness in his eyes and I know I am responsible for putting it there. Funny thing is, if someone else hurt the other one, we would be the first in line to dole out an ass whoopin'. I remember this one instance in court, for an unrelated case when my ex was called to be a character witness against me, when a lawyer asked questions about our marriage and we both started crying. He was on the stand being questioned. The lawyer was talking about how I had done this and that to him during our divorce and my ex goes, "Well yea, but we were going through a divorce and those things happen but she is totally a victim in this case." The more the lawyer talked the madder he became and started defending me like no other. After wards, outside the court house he tells me he didn't know if he was a help to me or not but he tried. We hugged and cried a little and he walked away. My attorney turns to me and says he has never seen two people love each other more and wonders aloud as to why we got a divorce. My response was and still is.....We love each other but we just can't get along. We both have very dominant personalities that clash and bang together with no respect for the other. Sometimes things are just that way. Life isn't always fair and we don't all have happy endings but at least we can maintain some sort of peace amongst ourselves. We do have a beautiful daughter and for her, I will always be grateful. She is the light of my life and his.
I worked a twelve hour swing shift and took care of his elderly grandparents that lived next door. Both in diapers, both needing a full time nurse, not someone who was just trying to figure out what the hell she was doing. I would cook most of the meals for them, wash piss soaked sheets, clean crap off of them when they messed their diapers, give insulin shots and dole out meds like I knew what I was doing. Then I would try to take a nap, keep my own house clean, cook, help 3 kids with homework, give baths, adhere to other wifely duties and then go work 12 hours in a factory. All the while my husband worked a 9 to 5 job, never cooked or cleaned or did laundry. He would come in at 4:30 and proceed to fall asleep in the chair watching the 6 o'clock news. But I didn't mind because I was in love. Me being in love meant.....I will do without sleep for 36 hours at a time so I can take your grandpa to the doctors office at the VA, I will clean shit off a 80 year woman's behind with a smile, I will work an extra 20 hours a week to buy those $2500.00 wheels and tires for your jeep baby, I will bring your dinner to you in your recliner....no don't get up, I will lay your clothes out for you before I go to work, I will pay all the bills, I will protect you from your insecurities and pain, I will give you all my time, my devotion, my body, my soul, the moon and the stars if I am in love with you. That's just the way it's always been with me. I will give until I am totally depleted and left lifeless or until someone else comes along who knows exactly what to say when I'm at my lowest, to shift my focus and the process starts all over again.
Now, I don't doubt that my husband loved me, we just couldn't figure out how to NOT make each other desperately miserable. I resented him because I had to do everything and he resented me because he didn't feel needed in the relationship. I gave him whatever he wanted and never said no to anything, so he thought I just didn't care what he did or didn't do. I was busy being Super Mom and Wife of the Year and although he got to reaps the benefits, he didn't feel that I loved him enough. He said I treated "personal time" like one more job I had to get done before I got to finally go to sleep. I thought I was being the perfect partner but as my resentment grew, so did his distance until finally there was nothing left to save. You can love someone and still resent the hell out of then. We are perfect examples of that. Even now I think we both morn our marriage years later. There were good times and lots of them. Moments I miss. But those moments are blind to you when you are going through a divorce. You forget about them until after the fact.... when your life is left in ruins around you. Broken promises and hurt feelings littered everywhere. They say no one has ever die from splitting up the furniture but there were times I thought I would....I wished I would, so I could be released from all this pain.
One of the hardest things about leaving is my ex husband has never forgiven me for it. He feels I have destroyed his life somehow...... although he's gone on with another relationship. And no many how many times we apologize and offer explanations for what happened to our marriage it's never going to banish that missing piece of me, that constant reminder, that I was the one who chose divorce over him. That is the guilt I feel every time I see him. Although we both did some pretty crappy stuff to each other during that time, he has never lost the sadness in his eyes and I know I am responsible for putting it there. Funny thing is, if someone else hurt the other one, we would be the first in line to dole out an ass whoopin'. I remember this one instance in court, for an unrelated case when my ex was called to be a character witness against me, when a lawyer asked questions about our marriage and we both started crying. He was on the stand being questioned. The lawyer was talking about how I had done this and that to him during our divorce and my ex goes, "Well yea, but we were going through a divorce and those things happen but she is totally a victim in this case." The more the lawyer talked the madder he became and started defending me like no other. After wards, outside the court house he tells me he didn't know if he was a help to me or not but he tried. We hugged and cried a little and he walked away. My attorney turns to me and says he has never seen two people love each other more and wonders aloud as to why we got a divorce. My response was and still is.....We love each other but we just can't get along. We both have very dominant personalities that clash and bang together with no respect for the other. Sometimes things are just that way. Life isn't always fair and we don't all have happy endings but at least we can maintain some sort of peace amongst ourselves. We do have a beautiful daughter and for her, I will always be grateful. She is the light of my life and his.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Things that make me happy
Tonight, like every night, I am having trouble sleeping. Now my grandpa used to tell me the reason he napped all day is because he never slept good at night and I just thought he was full of crap and had his days and nights mixed up. I guess what he said was true because the older I get the harder it is to sleep at night. So, tonight I decided I would take a long bubble bath and read a little while I soaked. I also had a glass of wine for good measure thinking if I couldn't go to sleep after this, something has got to be wrong. It doesn't get any more relaxed than this. Of course it didn't work but as I was sitting in the tub, up to my neck in bubbles, I thought to myself..... I have a pretty good life. I should probably be more thankful than I am but sometimes we get so caught up in the process of life, we forget the good stuff. Such as bubble baths for instance. Most of the time I'm lucky to get a quick shower with all the running I do. But, that also got me thinking about the other stuff that makes me happy like fresh sheets on the bed or the smell of rain after a storm. Getting prime seats at the movies or fried apple pies. Hitting all the green lights in a row or the moment of anticipation just before a kiss. The feeling you have when its the first time with someone special. Hot coco, warm blankets and marshmallows. Hanging with friends, crying at weddings and hometown football games. (Even though I don't understand football.) Basketball......now there's a sport. Go Cats!!!
Watching my kids grow. I love everything about them. They make me the happiest. Especially Brooke, when she laughs. That kid has the best laugh....EVER. Her nose wrinkles up and she has the biggest grin and a giggle that comes all the way from her toes or Courtney when she dances in the kitchen and acts silly to make me smile. She is comical and comes up with the craziest stuff to make me laugh until I cry and Jaylan because she'll always be mommy's girl and she is the bestest snuggle bunny hands down.
Other things that make me happy are: a great cup of coffee or getting the milk to cereal ratio just right. The cool side of the pillow and when they play all my favorite songs on the radio. Laughing so hard, no sound comes out at all. Turning off all the lights during a thunderstorm. Sleeping naked every chance I get. Walking on grass with bare feet. Driving around with the windows down on warm summer nights. Puppies! Finding money in the dryer. Book stores and good conversations. Getting something with someones actual handwriting in the mail. Old pictures of the kids when they were little. Good memories and good friends. Heart felt compliments from someone you love. Good advice taken. Church on Sunday when the preacher is all fired up! My family. A new tube of tooth paste and the first scoop of peanut butter. A large peach sweet tea from Sonic.....easy on the ice. The perfect rare steak with a big ol baked tater with butter AND sour cream. When babies fall asleep on you and you are afraid to move. Watching scary movies in the dark. Holding hands or catching lightening bugs. Hearing from an old friend. Getting text messages. Getting my hair washed by someone else. Sleeping like a rock and waking up whenever. Vacations! Realizing that I am blessed with wonderful people in my life. These are just a few of the things that make me happy. So, how about you? Leave a comment and tell me what makes you happy.
Watching my kids grow. I love everything about them. They make me the happiest. Especially Brooke, when she laughs. That kid has the best laugh....EVER. Her nose wrinkles up and she has the biggest grin and a giggle that comes all the way from her toes or Courtney when she dances in the kitchen and acts silly to make me smile. She is comical and comes up with the craziest stuff to make me laugh until I cry and Jaylan because she'll always be mommy's girl and she is the bestest snuggle bunny hands down.
Other things that make me happy are: a great cup of coffee or getting the milk to cereal ratio just right. The cool side of the pillow and when they play all my favorite songs on the radio. Laughing so hard, no sound comes out at all. Turning off all the lights during a thunderstorm. Sleeping naked every chance I get. Walking on grass with bare feet. Driving around with the windows down on warm summer nights. Puppies! Finding money in the dryer. Book stores and good conversations. Getting something with someones actual handwriting in the mail. Old pictures of the kids when they were little. Good memories and good friends. Heart felt compliments from someone you love. Good advice taken. Church on Sunday when the preacher is all fired up! My family. A new tube of tooth paste and the first scoop of peanut butter. A large peach sweet tea from Sonic.....easy on the ice. The perfect rare steak with a big ol baked tater with butter AND sour cream. When babies fall asleep on you and you are afraid to move. Watching scary movies in the dark. Holding hands or catching lightening bugs. Hearing from an old friend. Getting text messages. Getting my hair washed by someone else. Sleeping like a rock and waking up whenever. Vacations! Realizing that I am blessed with wonderful people in my life. These are just a few of the things that make me happy. So, how about you? Leave a comment and tell me what makes you happy.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Making New Friends in Unlikely Places
I have been anemic for as long as I can remember but in the last year or so my anemia has gotten worse. I've always been tired and low on energy but considering how busy my life is, fatigue is not acceptable. Things needed to be done and I'm the mommy. However, this last year has been somewhat difficult. I get winded climbing stairs and had some rather significant weight gain. Not having enough blood causes my heart to pump harder trying to get what little I do have to the other parts of my body. This causes me to have trouble breathing at times and slows down my metabolism considerably. I've been to the doctor several times over the past year for test on my thyroid and other things. I've had a colonoscopy (that was fun, not!), an upper GI, an ultrasound of my uterus, scan of my kidneys and numerous blood tests......which by the way makes no sense to me. I'm only producing about a 1/3 of the red blood cells a person needs. My hemoglobin was at 8.2 the last time they took blood. At 7.0 a person needs a blood transfusion. If the hemoglobin drops below 7 then you start to risk damage to organs such as the lungs and heart. So, if I don't make enough blood, then why do they keep taking it from me to test? Don't I need all the blood I can get?
Anyway, I started my iron infusions this week at our new Commonwealth Cancer Center to see if maybe that will work instead of giving me a blood transfusion. I'm hooked up to an IV for 4 hours a day, every Friday for 6 weeks. This past Friday was my first. They take me back to Wing A and show me around, giving me a tour of the place. There's a little kitchen with a microwave and refrigerator. An ice machine and coffee maker and snacks of various kinds. And then..... there is the other patients. Mostly cancer patients going through their chemo treatments. I think I was the only one in the room who still had my hair besides the nurses. One particular patient was my neighbor Deborah. Before I get hooked up, I decide to grab a bit, since I'm going to be a while, and then go potty. When I return to my chair, my IV pole is already there along with some pills in a little cup. Deborah instructs me to take them and I do so figuring she knew what she was talking about. I take my place in the chair and a little nurse comes by and asks if I need a pillow or a blanket. I decline thinking I am probably the healthiest one in there room and she should probably be helping the cancer patients more. Of course the nurses a very complimentary to everyone back here in Wing A. I just feel guilty for being in this place and the only thing wrong with me is anemia.....but, this is where my Hematologist is so, this is where I need to be for the moment.
Deborah is staring out the window when I offer her a magazine I brought to spend the time. She is very pale, gaunt and wears a little UK cap on her bare head to keep her warm. She declines at first then changes her mind. She asks me about my infusion and I tell her my story then, she tells me hers. She has just recently been diagnose with throat cancer on July 4th and I had noticed the trache sticking out of her throat. She talks with a horse voice as I listen. She has been sick for a while but her regular medical doctor has yet to figure out what's wrong with her. Finally she gets bad enough for an emergency room visit one night and is diagnose within 30 minutes of her arrival with cancer. Something her doctor hadn't been unable to detect in previous months. She is given 0-6 months to live but treatment has been good to her and now her prognosis has become a 98% chance of remission. She tells me this is something very positive coming out of a very negative situation. Deborah will start radiation 5 days a week for 8 weeks soon and is looking forward to getting better. She says this with a smile on her face. Deborah tells me I look tired and should probably take a nap. The medicine has made me rather sleepy. She explains taking a nap makes the treatments go faster. It's raining outside now and a nap sounds like a good idea. I close my eyes and drift off as she flips through my magazine. I awake a little while later to my nurse switching out my IV bags and Deborah is getting done with her treatment. She hands me back my magazine and asks if I had a good nap. I reply as she gathers her things. She tells the nurse she will see her again tomorrow and turns to me and says she hopes I start feeling better soon. She brushes my hand as she walks by and I think "Wow" to myself. I think she's more worried about me than she is herself. I'm not sure what to say and just kinda a nod in recognition. She shuffles off out the door and I wonder if she'll be my neighbor again next Friday when I'm here again. I hope so I think silently to myself as I watch the rain misting outside my window.........
Anyway, I started my iron infusions this week at our new Commonwealth Cancer Center to see if maybe that will work instead of giving me a blood transfusion. I'm hooked up to an IV for 4 hours a day, every Friday for 6 weeks. This past Friday was my first. They take me back to Wing A and show me around, giving me a tour of the place. There's a little kitchen with a microwave and refrigerator. An ice machine and coffee maker and snacks of various kinds. And then..... there is the other patients. Mostly cancer patients going through their chemo treatments. I think I was the only one in the room who still had my hair besides the nurses. One particular patient was my neighbor Deborah. Before I get hooked up, I decide to grab a bit, since I'm going to be a while, and then go potty. When I return to my chair, my IV pole is already there along with some pills in a little cup. Deborah instructs me to take them and I do so figuring she knew what she was talking about. I take my place in the chair and a little nurse comes by and asks if I need a pillow or a blanket. I decline thinking I am probably the healthiest one in there room and she should probably be helping the cancer patients more. Of course the nurses a very complimentary to everyone back here in Wing A. I just feel guilty for being in this place and the only thing wrong with me is anemia.....but, this is where my Hematologist is so, this is where I need to be for the moment.
Deborah is staring out the window when I offer her a magazine I brought to spend the time. She is very pale, gaunt and wears a little UK cap on her bare head to keep her warm. She declines at first then changes her mind. She asks me about my infusion and I tell her my story then, she tells me hers. She has just recently been diagnose with throat cancer on July 4th and I had noticed the trache sticking out of her throat. She talks with a horse voice as I listen. She has been sick for a while but her regular medical doctor has yet to figure out what's wrong with her. Finally she gets bad enough for an emergency room visit one night and is diagnose within 30 minutes of her arrival with cancer. Something her doctor hadn't been unable to detect in previous months. She is given 0-6 months to live but treatment has been good to her and now her prognosis has become a 98% chance of remission. She tells me this is something very positive coming out of a very negative situation. Deborah will start radiation 5 days a week for 8 weeks soon and is looking forward to getting better. She says this with a smile on her face. Deborah tells me I look tired and should probably take a nap. The medicine has made me rather sleepy. She explains taking a nap makes the treatments go faster. It's raining outside now and a nap sounds like a good idea. I close my eyes and drift off as she flips through my magazine. I awake a little while later to my nurse switching out my IV bags and Deborah is getting done with her treatment. She hands me back my magazine and asks if I had a good nap. I reply as she gathers her things. She tells the nurse she will see her again tomorrow and turns to me and says she hopes I start feeling better soon. She brushes my hand as she walks by and I think "Wow" to myself. I think she's more worried about me than she is herself. I'm not sure what to say and just kinda a nod in recognition. She shuffles off out the door and I wonder if she'll be my neighbor again next Friday when I'm here again. I hope so I think silently to myself as I watch the rain misting outside my window.........
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